Incredibly, even after everything I’ve just said, I know crossdreamers who continue with their fixation on the sex issue. They know it’s stupid but they report that it still comes back to haunt them: they worry that everything they’re doing might just be about sex and that would make it all wrong.
It is at this point that I have to tell them about persistent, negative thoughts. There are some thoughts which we think mean something but in reality are just verbalised versions of a depressive or obsessive or self-destructive streak in our personality. In other words the individuals above create all sorts of sophisticated and clever formulations of a negative idea but in reality, the idea is not important…it is just their depressive or obsessive or self-destructive streak expressing itself. Therefore, the first thing you have to consider with this whole sex thing is that it may be the result of a minor pathology such as depression.
If it is not, and even if it is, my solution is the same: I throw my arms in the air and surprise them by saying, “Ok, you’re right. It’s all just sex.” And then I proceed to take them on a little thought experiment called Trans-doomsday.
Trans-doomsday
It’s the worst case scenario for the transsexual community.
What happens is that scientists discover the existence of a sexuality gene – they discover a gay gene, a hetero gene, a femephiliac gene etc. and they can prove definitively that when a late onset transsexual (with femephilia) wants to change sex, he is doing it because – either consciously or sub consciously – it excites him sexually. And when you say – yes, but what about the fact that transsexuals with little or no sex drive still want to change gender – they demonstrate that sexuality is not just about getting hard, but about a broader disposition and attraction to the erotic target and when paedophiles are chemically castrated they still gain enormous satisfaction from seeing pictures of children – it’s just they may not be salivating and getting an erection. Therefore it is possible to eliminate testosterone and the conscious sex drive, and still be a sexual being.
Late onset transsexuals are just doing it because, deep down, it turns them on. It’s trans-doomsday…
You see, although everyone has the right to explore and fulfil their sexual destiny and no one would argue with that, transsexuals have asked that certain laws and conventions and restrictions be lifted because they have a compelling psychological need. If it turns out that the transsexual simply has a compelling boner, then females will not let them into their space. People would lose sympathy with transitioners. They would say “why am I going to call you ‘she’ when you’re just doing it to get off?” Governments might think twice about trans-friendly legislation. Some women at the gym would refuse to let a transsexual into the changing room; they would discover that transsexuals were motivated by sex, furthermore, most of them were hetero, meaning that when they were in the changing room they would be both getting hard at being a woman and getting hard at the sight of the other women. Even for early onset transsexuals it would be an absolute nightmare – because the public would not understand the difference, and then they would just get the idea that it was all about sexual gratification. Trans-panic would sweep the nation, and before long, some rabble rouser will somehow associate them with paedophiles, and then it will truly be TRANS-DOOMSDAY.
Back to reality
In this thought experiment we play out every transsexual’s deepest fears (and a few extra). The whole ‘born in the wrong gender’ narrative, is destroyed. No transsexual can start talking about part of them being female cos it turns out that despite the nuanced, sophisticated, tasteful and non-sexual elements of their cross gender identity… the facts is that they have a femephiliac sexuality and that’s what’s driving it all.
Well, if that turned out to be the case, you know what I would say…
Who fucking cares?
People would soon realise that it wasn’t about sex… it’s about sexuality. In other words, it’s not just some fetish, but a complex set of tastes and dispositions and behaviours. Furthermore, they would see that this sexuality – like homosexuality – was not something crossdreamers asked for or cultivated… they were born with it.
1. Sharing spaces: heterosexual men have to share spaces with gay men. I seriously doubt that gay men linger at the urinal to get a quick look or hover around the changing room to get a quick peek. And if they do…we have to live with it. By the same token, if cis women have to share a changing room with a trans woman… they would have to live with it. Furthermore, the transwoman is essentially chemically castrated and has a low sex drive… unlike the gay male, straight from the weights room with a huge testosterone high.
2. Legislation: we have substantially changed our laws to permit gay men to get married. We did that because as a society we allow everyone to express their sexuality in the way they want as long as it doesn’t harm anyone. The femephiliac was born with a sexuality he didn’t ask for, and for him, the ultimate expression of his sexuality is to enter into the thing he loves most: womanhood. If all we need to do is allow him to change the letter on his id from m to f… then it’s not asking much is it?
3. Sex: sexuality is not just a hard cock. Sexuality both feeds and receives nutrition from multiple areas of the personality. Freaking out because it is proven that crossdreaming is sexual, means you have both a simplistic notion of sexuality, and a rather prudish one. You should consider the fact that sexuality has two deeper dimensions which are relevant here: love, and lifestyle.
Lifestyle: being gay doesn’t just mean you engage in gay sex. For many gays it comes with a lifestyle. They go to gay hotels, gyms, and restaurants, they often take much better care of their physique than other men and are more discerning in matters of dress. There are a number of films and books and musicals that are revered in the gay community. This all exists because their sexuality is gay… but it does not make the entire gay culture about sex. When they go to a gay restaurant they are not looking for a spicy sausage and a gay orgy. Also, they choose to marry other gays. Is all this behaviour in a gaycentric environment motivated by sex? No, it’s part of a lifestyle that goes with the sexuality.
Similarly, being a crossdreamer with crossdreaming sexuality can lead someone to a type of lifestyle where they live as a woman. Get over it… this is the twenty first century and we must allow people to express their sexuality free from judgement and prejudice.
Love: men and women get married and set up house and part of that is sexual. Imagine Jay and Kim: the first thing they think when they see each other across a room is “I really want to fuck that!” They then go out, get engaged and get married. They plan to have lots of sex and sex is very important to them. But the marriage wasn’t motivated by sex… though sex played a part.
The crossdreamer will have difficulty in making the public understand the following point, but the public will have to be educated about transsexuality if we are to avoid transdoomsday. They must understand that just as sex and love are interwoven when a couple gets married, so it is for the transexual in transition… it’s just the object of their love is not another external person, it’s the person they are becoming. Any crossdreamer knows that you have an almost sublime, doe eyed feeling when you think of and begin to define your deeper female self. It is a form of love… it’s not sexual – though of course the cross dreamer continues to have sexual fantasies.
Transitioning is a form of expressing his true nature and sexuality. It is a powerful feeling akin to love for heterosexuals. If we are going to say he can’t do that or that it’s wrong, then we are denying him his version of love, leaving him to lead a life empty of the emotion he seeks.
Conclusion
I don’t believe that it all, deep down, comes from the sex drive. I believe that the sex is an integral part of an inherited disposition I call the deeper female self. But I recognise that I can’t prove it and will readily admit that it is more of a statement of my philosophy than hard fact. And that is where I want to leave the issue… that, in the absence of knowledge, you can believe what you want… as long as deep down, you admit that your belief is not based on evidence but on your emotions.
While this open interpretation is a failure from a scientific point of view I would argue that it has high therapeutic value. In the end, a person can make of their crossdreaming what they want: they can dismiss it is a bizarre outgrowth of their sexuality or glorify it as something beautiful and sublime and necessary.
My final advice is: stop beating up on your deeper female self… just cos she turns you on. Enjoy it!
4 Comments
My sexual fantasy : having a female body and using it for sex with a man
I have a male body and I am attracted by women (but I don’t have the urge to put my dick into their body)
So I have a problem.
I tried sex as a transvestite with men and found out that I felt more myself than during sex as a man with women. Over time I even stopped sex as a man because I always felt odd, jealous of the woman and frustrated.
Sex with men is very soothing, I feel REAL and ALIVE in the female role in bed. No doubt about that.
But i know I am not a waman, I WANT to be a woman. So I concluded that it was a sexual drive.
BUT I never felt that this drive was wrong. It is like any other drive. Each his own drive.
I even think that changing my body for a sexual reason is a good reason as ALL people organize they life around the sex drive : men marry women and have kids because of their drive.
But once the fantasy is gone, could I will with a feminized body between 2 sex drives ? Society will reject me. So that’s why the sexual aspect makes me thing that I should not go to deep into the feminization.
Felix,
After many years of living with gender dysphoria I have come to the conclusion that we are predisposed at birth and that the sexual element is added on at puberty. The identification with the female simply took on another layer which then perturbed us into feeling guilty and ashamed of something that used to feel pure and innocent. A lot of this shame is rooted in the puritanical ideas of the western society which turns sexuality into something lurid and dirty unless its used for procreation.
The fact that we are sexual beings is not a mystery and manifesting that sexuality within the context of the desire to want to be a female while being attracted to one does not invalidate your identity as a transgender person. The identity and the drive are now intertwined and it is not possible to separate them.
I completely agree… how boring of me! Thanks for your comment… I really appreciate it.
xx
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