Managing autogynephilia in a gender identity crisis

Step 5 of the Fusion Program: Keep the glamourpuss in check. 

This program is called Fusion. As the name suggests, it’s about bringing different parts of the gendered self together to form one. You are already familiar with – and engaged in the process of – incorporating your deeper female self, but today I would like to talk about achieving harmony between the deeper female self and her polar opposite – the glamourpuss, ie. your femephiliac sexuality.

At this moment in time your female side is a bit like Jekyll and Hyde: there’s a noble, beautiful woman who makes you feel sublime and proud (the deeper female self), and the one woman party animal who likes clothes, make up, being flamboyant, and experimenting with her sexuality (euphemism for… being a total slut): the glamourpuss.

In reality, it’s not uncommon for these dispositions to be locked in the same female personality. Think of a well-known public figure – a woman who is attractive, stylish and highly educated; she maybe all those things but it’s highly likely she may love dressing up, make up and – in the privacy of her own home with a man or woman she trusts – being, in the common parlance – a filthy slut. She may also harbour fantasies of rape, of gangbangs, of being  a high class courtesan… of God-knows what. When you hear her talking about her charity work in Indonesia on television, however, your average person wouldn’t expect that she had such tastes.

The point is that the glamourpuss is, in many ways, a perfectly normal part of femininity and not at odds with your new, emerging gender identity. However, note that I said ‘in many ways.’

The problem is that there is an obsessive side to her interest in the feminine. This means that while a cis woman can get turned on by elements of femininity – dressing, preening, exhibitionism – it is really just through association with the sex that will follow. For the glamourpuss however they are often an end in themselves and of elevated importance.

There are four things, therefore, you should always remember about the glamourpuss.

• Her appetite for and interest in femininity is much higher than her female peers.
• Because such behaviour feeds the reward centre in the brain ie… it creates a buzz… it is always accompanied by the well-known phenomenon of ‘escalation’ – where the person needs greater stimulation to achieve the same buzz.
• Whereas a cis female has the perfect body, face and social role for female clothes, preening, exhibitionism, sexuality etc… the glamourpuss has to work with a man’s body. This is a tall order indeed and the result is that the man often looks ridiculous with female clothes, preening, exhibitionism, sexuality etc. Unfortunately, though, her elevated desire for femininity is usually higher than her sense of reality and she will distort the man’s view of himself so he cannot see how ridiculous he looks.
• She is not content with her lot. Glamourpuss does not keep her opinions, tastes and inclinations solely for your sex life. She starts to put ideas in your head about your life in general, which, because they often have erotic undertones, can be very seductive and powerful.

Therefore, the fundamental desires of the glamourpuss are fine, and can be enjoyed and exercised, but it is extremely important that you keep them in check. For a transsexual, femephiliac sexuality is a bit like having a wild daughter you have to keep in check… left free to wander the town she’s a danger to herself. If she was content just to dominate your sex life, that would be fine, but as mentioned in point number 4, she soon starts muscling in on your gender identity crisis and tries to steal the show.

This last point is the most salient. Even when you have filled your body with oestrogen and cut off the testosterone supply – thus extinguishing your sexuality…the glamour puss is still there. When you’ve already had gender reassignment surgery, she’ll be the one pushing you back to get more surgeries; nose job, boob-job, collagen, facelift, Botox – glamourpuss can spend more on silicon than all the global divisions of the intel corporation combined.

She is never satisfied, and the problem is… she really puts the ‘dream’ in crossdreamer because she’ll put all sorts of ideas in your head – “you should grow breasts” for example, trying to make out it’s the right thing to do. This is because she doesn’t get it… she is a being from another dimension who is locked into a partnership with you. In her dimension she looks fucking fantastic with tits… but to come through to this world… it’s your body that would have to have the tits and not only are they going to be somewhat less spectacular… but they’ll be planted on a body that wasn’t designed for tits. However, this is just a detail to the glamourpuss; in her endless desire for glamour and expression she will tell you that they will look good… that plastic surgery will correct the anatomical inconveniences of the male body. She creates and projects your ideal female self… a vision of what you could be like as a woman and you will not realise it is an ‘ideal’… impossible to attain with the appearance you have and the surgical and pharmacological options available.

It is this delusional belief that you can do it… that somehow you will be beautiful and successful as a woman – that often makes me think the glamourpuss is a creation of the deeper male self. When a man and a woman start up a business, a shop for example, the man is always jumping to envision the global empire – a chain of stores from Shanghai to Paris to Riyhadd… the woman, of course, wants that… but is too busy thinking about how to make the first shop work to start thinking about the global empire. Both men and women think big… but men tend to think big when they have no business to… before they’ve even got off the ground… and so it is with glamour puss… she simply doesn’t live in the real world.

So, what do you do with people who are unrealistic and rash and dominating and flambouyant? Well, you try and make them see sense, and hope they mature, and then you lead by example. That’s all you can do because, returning to the wayward daughter analogy, one strategy that definitely won’t work is locking her in her room. She’ll be tying sheets together and jumping out that window sooner than you can say lipstick and leather. The other good thing about the daughter analogy is that it really is like family: you’re stuck with the glamourpuss because she is seated in your sexuality and your sexuality is a component of your being that enters your conscious mind dozens of time a day. Your psyche is one of those cramped Tokyo apartments… she’s living on top of you… and you have to see her all the time and share everything. How are you going to manage her?

Like any good parent… you have to put rules and establish boundaries. Every human being, as long as they don’t hurt people, must act and live according to their nature. The glamourpuss must be allowed to do her shit… but there have to be limits. And also, while you are getting all disciplinarian with her, remember that good parents also love their children… after all, they are your children and they have some charming qualities.

Well, I don’t know about you, but I’m so far on another planet with all these analogies I think it’s time to summarise, in plain language, what we’re talking about. A healthy future depends on a healthy relationship with the glamourpuss… so I will summarise the chapter so far, for total clarity.

1. The autogynephiliac sexuality has an intense desire for the external characteristics of femininity: body, face, clothes, make-up, glamour, etc. This was imprinted on the mind from a very early age (see article) and is both powerful and impossible to remove. For those of you who searched online for a cure for autogynephilia… there is none.
2. When a crossdreamer experiences the awakening of their deeper female self, there is a danger that their sexuality exerts too great an influence and pushes them towards an external change to the feminine. The sexual dimension must be kept in check, therefore, but this cannot happen through suppression.
3. So, you must allow the expression of that sexuality and its love of all things female. But there must be limits and clear rules, because if you don’t put limits the sexuality turns into a black hole which swallows up everything… you, your life, and your deeper female self – in an obsessive pursuit of femininity that never ends.

I suggest to my clients the following rules – each of which deals with different desires and behaviours of a femephiliac sexuality.

1: Sex.

You should do whatever you want. In fact, to placate the autogynephiliac side, you should consider enacting sexual fantasies that you have never dared to enact before. The simple rule is ‘Anything goes’ as long as it doesn’t compromise your dignity.

Now, of course, that is open to debate… what is dignified and not, but it’s just worth remembering. There should never be any shame associated with sex but the femephiliac is capable of doing things which, later, you might be ashamed of.

2. Clothes

If cross-dressing keeps the glamourpuss in check… then go for it.

But please, an important part of being consummate is being stylish, so don’t embarrass both yourself and the consummate community with bad taste. Get interested in the world of fashion; in fact, that is an example of an interest which allows you to channel the glamourpuss into something more useful; keeping yourself informed of all the latest fashion and designers means you will turn heads with your unique style… not because you look stupid. While Gays have a reputation for flair and style, transsexuals have a reputation for bad taste and exaggeration – this is because their sense of style is either directed by their male self or their glamourpuss. Your sense of style needs to be directed by the deeper female self.

3. Cosmetic surgery and grooming.

Luckily for the crossdreamer bodily hair is seriously out of fashion. If you want completely smooth skin then go for it. Laser the shit out of that shit.

Cosmetic surgery is a good idea as long as it makes you more attractive to women… or men. Allow me to explain.

It makes no sense to turn yourself into an unattractive member of the opposite sex. It’s actually better for your glamourpuss and your crossdreaming sex life to become more attractive as a man. That doesn’t mean building up muscles and being ‘manly’… it means being a stylish, elegant man who takes excellent care of himself and has a strong female side. Why is this better for the glamourpuss? A sexy man of this type is more likely to attract women and men who are willing to indulge his fantasies than an unattractive pre-op transsexual. Furthermore, because he hasn’t chemically castrated himself, he will gain an enormous sexual satisfaction which on hormones he could never achieve.

Therefore, if a proposed surgery is a vain attempt to look feminine that will decrease your attractiveness as a man and not even make you look feminine, anyway… then forget it.

If you’re clever you can both placate the glamour puss and make yourself better looking as a guy. A hair transplant for example will appeal to your female self and also make you look better as a man (and a woman).  If you have a huge, manly nose and your female self is pushing you to reduce it through surgery then that’s fine… you just have to make sure that the result is good for both sides… the male and female… and not some tiny little button nose on a huge big masculine face. Always be realistic!

Conclusion

I have written down some of the rules I have formulated with clients, but of course, it’s up to you to make your own rules about how far you will let the glamourpuss go. But make no mistake… you need rules. She will try to hijack the entire fusion project. Keep her in check.

5b Should I tell the world about the change I am undergoing?

If you agree that one should live as authentic a life as possible – ie. one that reflects your true nature – does this mean you should tell people about your deeper female self and your crossdreaming? Shouldn’t the people in your life know about it, and even see it? Furthermore, if you identify as consummate…shouldn’t you affirm that identity by presenting yourself to others like that?

When you start incorporating your deeper female self – ie. the process of fusion – it will be pretty obvious to people that something is going on with you. It is not necessary, though, to explain to them the intricacies of the deeper female self… just let them experience the benefits (by the fact you are a much more engaged, compassionate person than you were before.) There is a great expression amongst writers… ‘show not tell;’ show people your deeper female self… but don’t tell them; just let them see the results.

To be honest, making a song and a dance about your gender identity and telling everyone about it, smacks to me a little of the glamourpuss. The simple criteria for telling someone should be selfish – what’s in it for me? If you think it will further a relationship or be to your advantage… then tell… but I wouldn’t go round on your LGBT high horse, shoving it in everyone’s faces. Transsexualism is much more difficult to understand than hetero or homo-sexuality and more likely to be misunderstood.

If someone really pushes you and wants to know why you’re starting to look good, sound good and be good, I would put it in terms they can understand. That is why you don’t start rattling on about the deeper female self or autogynephilia or being consummate. In fact, it’s a little like Fight Club: the first rule of being consummate is “don’t talk about being consummate.” People will think it is extremely arrogant to describe yourself as both male and female (and it is.) So in ordinary conversation I would put it like this…

“To be honest, I’ve spent most of my adult life running away from the fact that I have problems around gender identity. But it turns out that the only problem was… I was running away from it… I have finally learnt and accepted that there is a part of me which is transgender and that’s okay. Since I accepted that I seem to be more at peace with myself.”